Tagebuch/Journal

Today is the last day of school. It barely counts tho since I haven't really done much for the past two weeks. But I finally checked my emails and read everything my teachers have sent out and it feels almost a bit sad. I'm about to make a tempeh bacon, avocado, and tofu-dip-that-kind-of-resembles-cream-cheese-but-not-really sandwich. Learning how to make and code websites is really fun, even if im not great at it yet. I'll learn eventually. My mom just bought me and Collin some comfy slippers to wear around the house and they're quite comfy. Anyway, I am now eating my sandwich and drinking kool aid. Life is good. Turns out we had a tomato so I added that to my sandwich. Very yummy :P On a more serious note, I've been procrastinating on taking my meds and vitamins for the past two days and I really need to take them now. I've seen so many cases of police brutality against black people lately and I'm absolutely fucking livid. ACAB ACAB ACAB ACAB. Also the whole "pridefall" bullshit is annoying me too. No minorities chose to be minorities and people who discriminate against poc or lgbt people are the fucking scum of the earth, right next to pedophiles and rapists. I'm just trying to live my fucking life and so are the rest of us. Anyone else's skin color, culture, race, ethnicity, gender validity, sexuality, etc. are NONE of your business and do not fucking affect other people. God I'm angry. Goodbye for now.

I'm back again even more angry and fed up with the world. I don't know how we can go on with the world when such mindless murder and hate is rampantly destroying the lives of innocent people. I'm so very very tired of this world. I've never been more disappointed with this country than I am today. Fuck Trump, Fuck the police, Fuck anyone and everyone who supports, upholds, and stands by a system that repeatedly fails to protect its citizens and minorities. The privilege that I and other white people have been born with is, frankly, disgusting and I although I am not black, I support victims of the system. I hear you, and I mourn with everyone affected by the horrific actions that this country has allowed to happen unpunished. 2020 has been an absolute fucking shitshow in all of its entirety from start to most likely finish. I don't know if anyone is reading this. But I am screaming out into the void for someone to.

She's better than me in every way. I won't ever compare- but maybe thats just destiny; my fate. Some things are just meant to be and we can't change them. This is okay. But it hurts sometimes. That's all on me though. It's hard to sleep tonight. Every night I have dreams with either weird sexual tension/encounters or attractive guys and its really weird- i think the worst bit is just waking up and realizing what my life really is. im such a sad person. i dont know who i am anymore. each day is another paragraph lost to time, worn down by centuries of wind, lost and undiscovered because no one was there to see it in the short time it was there. thats what every day feels like to me. everything i do is wrong. im not sure why or what would be better to do. my brain stopped processing what things mean. i dont know right from left and i dont understand anything- even collin gets pissed at me for not understanding. its so frustrating because i feel like i should understand more and be more capable but...im not who i used to be. im not as good as i was before. i feel like im rotting. my insides and my brain is turning into mush. my grammar is going out the window, along with my sanity and just the things that make life interesting. i dont think im even making any sense anymore. who fucking knows. my thoughts are all over the place and ive given up trying to make myself comprehendable. im so fucking retarded. the world is going to shit and so am i. intrusive thoughts are also coming back. its funny how i only ever get intrusive thoughts of my absolute worst trigger/fear. well thats not entirely true- i think? its mostly of the worst- me or someone else hurting my pets. other times its of him. words words words words. what does it all mean. what does anything mean. i dont think i'll ever amount to anything my family or i wish i could. its so fucking depressing.

every night when i try to sleep, i think of what we did. i dont get to control the movie that plays in my head. its like my brain is just replaying those memories, laughing at how weak and hurt i was and am. its just taunting me, daring me to try to stop the hurt from coming back, daring me to forget how i let him use me. someones awake now, i can hear my grandma's phone playing a video or something from her room. but the thoughts dont stop, no nono. i can't forget how i so idiotically convinced myself i was happy in the moment, how this was exactly what i had been waiting for for months, even though i was dissociating more severely than i ever had before and was so fucking high i was physically incapable of movement. and how he had the audacity to complain to some random bitch on the bus about how he hates when "they don't do anything or try to position themselves" during sex. mm no i bet it was fucking annoying wasn't it? but i thought you didn't remember anything from that night? fucking liar. trying to make me think i dont know what im talking about, trying to twist everything to make me the bad guy. you fucking asshole. it wasn't rape, i said yes, but i didnt mean it and i felt like i owed it to him, after all that he'd done for me, it'd be rude to refuse his advances. I was so fucking high that i was basically a lifeless sex doll for him. I was heavily dissociating the whole time. I don't remember 90% of what happened. because of that it technically wasn't rape by most definitions but it had the same fucking mental effects on me, even six goddamn months later. i still get flashbacks and i still dissociate and i still dont know who is to blame or what really happened that night. even my fucking therapist said he gaslit me and even river kept assuring me that he was in the wrong, even julie assures me still that he used me, and so does trey. but my dumb fucking brain still doesn't get it. god fucking damn it dude. its four forty five now and i need to fucking sleep but im still hung up on a toxic manipulative piece of shit who doesn't lose a goddamn wink of sleep over me. its bullshit. this fucking world is bullshit and i dont see much good anymore. i need to sleep. the melatonin is kicking in. i used to pass out at five mg but now i gotta take fifteen to get sufficiently tired to fall asleep. more bullshit. goodnight

It always pisses me off when I tell people I’m vegan and they decide to get offended over my personal dietary decisions as if it fucking affects them, then have the audacity to make some overused dumbfuck remark about “bUt wHaT aBoUt BaCoN/HaMBurGeRs?!1?1!!” Like okay fuckface if the goddamn TASTE is what prevents you from consuming the dead corpse that used to be a beautiful animal with emotions and feelings that was slaughtered most likely inhumanely (as many are improperly killed and aren’t fully dead and are just left to bleed out. I’ve seen videos of this and I will never fucking forget where your food comes from.), then your level of empathy is so fucking low I dont even have words for you. Im not trying to be that pushy fucking vegan that the media and just about everyone on the fucking planet jokes about, but it seems like omnivores are the ones getting pissy about what I eat, when it really should be the other way around. The meat and dairy/egg industry is fucking awful and inhumane and I broke into fucking tears after watching TEN MINUTES of what goes on there. They beat “substandard” baby animals to death because its the most cost effective way to kill them, since they won’t make money. They put chicks on a conveyor belt and find the males and throw them into a fucking meat grinder while they are still alive and breathing babies, because they cant produce eggs to sell and profit off of. Among many other horrible fucking things I witnessed in security cameras and body cameras of workers and investigators. Its disgusting and cruel and I can never look at meat/eggs/dairy the same way again. If after knowing all of this, you still go on about how fucking good your burger tastes, I don’t have anything else I can say. I’ve had people tell me that they just don’t want to think about it and don’t want to face the reality behind farm cruelty so they can continue to eat meat and dairy and eggs without feeling guilty or disgusted and I hope any of you that read this that think this way- your way of thinking is repulsive. Its disgusting. If you are too afraid of a little bit of change that you ignore the death and suffering of millions of animals every fucking year, you are a coward, point blank, period. I can’t look at a piece of meat without my heart hurting because I know and love what your dinner used to be. I stopped looking at chickens and pigs and cows and animals in general as food and rather as beings, as creatures with hearts and feelings, just as I would see my own pets. Because I plan to have a small “farm” in the future, that’s really just me having a bunch of farm animals as pets. Kinda like a petting zoo. Maybe I am too empathetic, maybe im just another overemotional female (biologically speaking) but dear fucking god im so fucking unbelievably tired of you fuckers not having ANY SHRED OF EMPATHY WHATSOEVER. And it doesn’t just go for this either. It goes for white supremacists, homophobes, transphobes, ableists, racists, anyone who discriminates people who are different than yourself. I will never understand how a human can be so unempathetic. Its revolting. i should not have to be scared of rejection and judgement when I mention my dietary choices. I should not have to filter myself or coddle you when it comes to this. I should not have to worry about accidentally offending you or “pushing” veganism on you, because yes I will always recommend a vegan diet for those who are interested, but I AM NOT CONSTANTLY TRYING TO “CONVERT” YOU. YES YOUR FOOD CHOICES MAY UPSET ME SOMETIMES BUT I UNDERSTAND THAT AS FUCKED UP AS THE INDUSTRY IS, ITS NOT MY BUSINESS WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO EAT. AND SUCH, MY DIET IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS EITHER.

On another note, you deadass aren’t even missing out on anything except the feeling of getting your cheese fix really (there’s a compound found in milk that is structurally and effectively similar to morphine that is especially present in cheese because it is so condensed and large amounts of this can cause feelings of relaxation and that sort of thing. Its purpose is to bring the calf and the mother closer together, cuz you know, THATS WHO MILK IS FUCKING INTENDED FOR.). I know I used to be addicted to cheese. And I know that sounds fucking retarded but seriously you can google it, countless credible sources say so and THE DAIRY INDUSTRY KNOWS THIS. THEY KNOW TONS OF PEOPLE ACTIVELY CRAVE CHEESE AND ARE ADDICTED TO IT AND THEY USE THIS TO SELL THEIR CHEESE AND OTHER ITEMS. STUFFED CRUST PIZZA? CHEESE STUFFED ANYTHING REALLY. God I could seriously go on for so long about this shit. But seriously, there is a vegan version of EVERYTHING, and I MEAN E V E R Y T H I N G. The past couple of days ive been having brownies and ice cream and burgers and lasagna that all TASTE PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY LIKE THE “REAL” THING. I don’t starve and there are so many good things to eat, I don’t even miss dairy or meat when I can have alternatives without the murder but with just as much flavor and satisfaction. Anyway, ignorant omnivores SHUT THE FUCK UP CHALLENGE.

on an unrelated topic- i scrounged up a ~safe~ amount of dxm containing substances from the medicine cabinet and have it sitting underneath my bed. im waiting for the day to come again where i desperately need to get high bc im heavily depressed/anxious and need to escape to take it tho. god dude i havent done any proper drugs in so long i miss getting high without all the shitty other effects that i got from doing benadryl. god benadryl is so shitty. it does...something but after the third time of each trip getting progressively worse, it wasnt worth it anymore. i didnt have any crazy or realistic hallucinations unfortunately, but rather i heard weird fuzzy voices in the background of my head and a real fucking bad hangover the next day. i was also delirious the day of and the next day, with the worst fuckin case of restless legs the last time i did it. i miss weed really tho. that was the GOOD shit. dxm is pretty good too, and i'll take it. fuck im tired.

Luciens Tagebuch